His Personal Journey of Discovery

It's very late Christmas Eve - actually it's so late Christmas Eve that it's technically Christmas morning - but I wanted to post a quick thought so I could remember to write more later. My son and I traveled to my sister's house for the holiday, a drive of about 6 hours in good weather and without too many rest area stops.

As is normal for he and I, we started talking as soon as the car went into gear. And as is normal for he and I, we discussed topics that I'm pretty sure the average 16 year old boy doesn't casually discuss with his mother on a road trip. Most boys, in my observations, would discuss music, TV/movies, friends, everyday events in their lives, right? Not my son... we discussed psychology, theology, history, the current political climate, racism, class ism, archeology, urban myths. We talked for 4 hours straight, with two short bathroom breaks. It was both stimulating and mentally exhausting. And one of the most impressive conversations I've ever had with him. Although I can't really remember all of the details, he made some exceptionally astute observations about himself and his peers.

The most amazing thing was witnessing firsthand his realization that he isn't actually the center of the universe; or at least, that his universe is now interacting with all the other universes around him. His self-discovery that the behaviors he sees in our neighborhood aren't the only behaviors that exist in the world. He admitted that his beliefs in what he thought was "completely normal", or the "but everyone does it" attitude, isn't as set in stone as he had perceived. To him, riding a city bus with a transient singing gibberish at the top of his lungs is to be expected, even commonplace. He's just now realizing that for many people, that isn't commonplace, and can be frightening to someone who has never experienced it before.

I am so proud of him. He's making observations of human behavior that men 2 to 3 times his age still don't see, much less understand. He's articulate, passionate, and very intelligent. Although school may not be his forte, he's well-read, and prefers to watch histories or biographies on TV or his computer. He's quite a young man, and I am so thankful that I have been able to spend this time with him, getting to know the man he is rapidly becoming. Watching his discovery of the world, and his explorations of his place in the world, often leaves me speechless. I have been truly blessed.

In Memorium

Jasmine

Sept 14, 2005 - Dec 20, 2010

Feminine and gentle,

Of sweetest personality.

My beautiful girl,

You will always be missed.

Personal Achievements

I was driving home this evening after doing a little shopping and thought about my personal achievements recently. I've had a tough week... month... year. Just when I think my life is going well, and I'm feeling really good about myself, life smacks me around again. Actually had a guy email me last night and tell me I need to "get a current photo and post it so men will know up front what (I) look like, so (I'm) not deceiving them." Wow.

But that's not my point... What I did tonight is what I need to focus on, and how far I've come. I went to the mall to look for a new jacket and hiking boots for myself. Yes, really. I started at one end of the mall, put on my headphones, and walked the entire mall, up and down each wing. It's not really that far, but I realized when I was heading to my car that a year ago I couldn't have done that. I couldn't have possibly made the entire circuit without stopping at least once or twice to rest. I didn't find the hiking boots I wanted, but found a great water-repelent jacket for 50% off. And most importantly - I walked right past Euphoria Chocolates and didn't stop!

After I came home, ate, wallowed in self-pity for awhile again, I found myself on the internet looking up classes at the parks & rec for Tai Chi, Yoga, and painting. Then I printed out the map for hiking around Mount Pisgah, and checked on several other hiking trails around the area. If the weather is descent and I get enough done tomorrow, I'm going to go check them out. I may not be the svelt little Barbie all the guys seem to want, but I'm making progress to become a healthier person, inside and out. And as much as I wish this one particular guy would see that (no, not the guy mentioned above!), maybe one day someone else will. Until then, I'll just have to hike those trails alone and enjoy the beautiful scenery they're missing out on.

"Guardians"

Good Friends

Thank God for good friends. Without them, I wouldn't be here. Or there. Or anywhere. Truly.

Had hot chocolates with an awesome friend tonight, and laughed for over an hour. Spent an hour with one of my best friends last night, talking when we should have been singing. Got a text message from another friend tonight to cheer me up when a guy was really cruel to me. Spent a few minutes IM'ing with another friend over home made fudge and a Kahlua just now. No matter what the rest of the world throws at me, I know I am truly blessed.

And I ate too much fudge.

"Lady Diane"

Full of Surprises

"Bird Girl #1"

As many of you know, I've entered the dating world at the ripe old age of 48. I won't say "re-entered" because my ex and I never actually dated, and my dating experience prior to marriage was pretty limited. This is a whole new world for me! One of the things that I'm finding very frustrating is that I absolutely detest it when people make assumptions about me based on looks, age, profession, or parenthood, which is so often the case.

I'm using the online dating sites because my chances of meeting someone - anyone - in my usual circles is virtually nil. I work in a building full of women or married men. There are two men who aren't married - both are half my age or younger. My off-work time is spent at the theatre where the men are all dating... each other. Prospects for finding Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now, are slim to none. A serious disadvantage to the dating sites is the "photo test". He asks for a photo, so I send the only current photo I have (the old photos are 90+ pounds ago and I don't look like that anymore). The average response is either complete silence or "oh, got the pic, you're not at all what I'm looking for". Ouch.

What these men see both in photo and real life is a mid-aged woman who is short, heavy, slightly frumpy looking; who is categorized as a clean, middle of the road, middle class woman who doesn't smoke, drink, or exercise. A competent administrative assistant without an education, who doesn't keep up on politics or read the newspaper, who eats the same thing for lunch every day at the office, and is never invited to party with the gang. Average, unexciting, and typically suburban.

What they don't see, what would probably shock the hell out of them, is what they don't take the time to find out:

• I don't exercise, and am rather soft, but I can't stand to be idle. I have to be doing something all the time, even if it is sketching during the movie, or in the meeting.


• I have more hobbies than the average person can name, and am game to learn to do anything.


• I got my first tattoo at age 45, and my second set of ear piercings at age 48.


• My taste in reading material - Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Works of John Keats are on my headboard. The DaVinci Code is on my desk at work. R rated Sci-Fi is on my PDA. And a stack of motorcycle magazines are on my studio workbench.


• I collect TV series on DVD, which I listen to while working in my studio.


• I did the ceramic tile and drywall repairs in my house by myself, and will be installing a new ceramic tile floor in my bathroom... by myself.


• When I water my garden each summer I like to wear my "Rock and Roll Forever" shirt, extra-short shorts, and dance to the music blasting through my iPod headphones.


• I will do anything for my family and my friends, and will always be there for them.


• I have a cat who plays fetch and freaks out when he thinks a dust bunny may attack.


• My favorite ice cream is sugar free chocolate chip mint, and like to eat it out of the tub.


• I love to walk through a quiet meadow shrouded in fog and a light rain.


• I smoked pot in high school... and later....


• I love all kinds of music, love dancing to it in my studio, listening to it while I work.


• I have a sense of humor, and can make my friends laugh and feel better about themselves when times are tough.


• I cry at every Hallmark commercial ever aired.


• My favorite movies are Nell, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Auntie Mame.


• I'm teaching myself Korean, American Sign Language, and SQL (computer programming language).


• I like gerbils, mice, and hedgehogs - but don't like anything that slithers.


• When I love - I love with my whole heart.

Now, please, don't think I'm whining or feeling sorry for myself because I got shot down yet again by a guy who couldn't look beyond the surface. I may be depressed for awhile, but the one thing I never lose sight of is hope. I know that some day, some guy will realize what a great catch I am and take that leap of faith. I may cry over my broken heart, blog about my loneliness, and occasionally bash men for being complete egocentric idiots ruled by their dick and not their brain - but I won't give up hope.

My apologies for the extra long post this evening. This just came to me as I was driving home from my voice lesson and had to get it down on paper - figuratively speaking. LOL Take care my friends, and know that I think of you and love you all.

Evening Melancholy

"Soft Silence"

"Blue Mountain Haze"

"Crescent Moon"

"Falling Petals"

"Evening moves to night

Silent, alone, lonely

Rains falls without sound

My heart breaks a little more

When will they see beyond the surface

When will they know the beauty in me."

Three Rings

Someone asked me recently why I wear three silver rings with writing on them. They aren't expensive, they weren't gifts, and hold no real sentimental value. The first ring says "Survivor" - because I am, and always will be, a survivor. I've survived some dark events in my lifetime, and have managed to move beyond them, for the most part.

The second ring says "Nothing is Impossible" - a statement I've made many, many times. Nothing is impossible - I can learn to do anything I that I need to, I will continue to grow in ways that sometimes surprise me, and believe that everything is possible if you believe in something.

The last ring says "Be the change you wish to see in the world" - this is something we ALL need to learn and live by. It also brings me personally back full circle with my belief that I am a survivor and that nothing is impossible.

One day I hope to have each of these statements engraved on rings of a higher quality, that will last forever. They remind me of who I am when times are tough, and who I'm glad I've become.

"Infinite Diversity"

"Retirement"

"Sunset Silhouette"

I'm Back........

Yes, I'm finally back to blogging. This has been an interesting, often difficult, year - and frankly, blogging was not at the top of my list of priorities. But life is finally calming down (slightly) and I've decided I need to indulge in more of my creative outlets. As many of you know, I like to write. Although I spend most of my work day writing, I still enjoy expressing myself through the written word. I have also been known to rant, rave, and soapbox... so read at your own risk.

Oh - and please do forgive any typos, incorrect grammar, or fragmented sentences. I write better than I speak, but still along the same lines, complete with tangents and plenty of emotion. Basically... just deal with it.

One last note... thank you for being my friend.

"Memories"

A Conversation with My Teenager

"Hey, Mom!"
"Hey, son!"
"Can I print a couple things out on your computer?"
"No, but you can print a couple things out on my printer."
"Thanks, 'cause I found this great graphic... what's so funny?"
"Never mind."
"There was this committee at school who picked 20 kids, and I don't know why, but they are giving away these scholarships to 20 kids who are like needy, well not really 'needy', but you know. So these teachers got together and picked these 20 kids to apply for this scholarship for like $6,000 or something."
"Okaaaay."
"Ya, they don't really look at the GPA, I mean they do but it's ok if you have like a 2.0 GPA. They look at other things. So, ya, they've picked these 20 kids to apply."
"Okaaaay."
"So I don't know why they picked me, but I guess they did."
"Well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"Well, ya, I mean... what? What does that even mean?"
"It's an expression."
"Well, its a bad expression."
"That's what you said when you were five."
"And it's still a bad expression."
"So, you were picked to apply for the scholarship?"
"Uh, ya, that's what I said. So I still don't know why they picked me."
"Because you're really smart, you just don't test well, and maybe your teachers see that."
"Uh, I doubt that."
"Uh, say 'thank you, Mom'."
"Thank you, Mom, but I still don't see why they'd pick me, but I have this paper to fill out and submit to the committee I guess."
"Is that the paper you waived in front of my face and didn't let me read."
"Uh, ya. But I'm still not sure what..."
"Nathan."
"Mom?"
"Say 'I love you, Mom'."
"I love you, Mom."
"Say 'good-night, Mom'."
"Good-night, Mom."
"Say 'I'm going to clean my room tomorrow, Mom'."
"Ya, right, Mom."
"It was worth a try."

When is enough - enough?

How many times should you give one person "another chance"? How many times should you make allowances? How many times can you be hurt by someone else's lack of consideration, their total disregard for your feelings? When is enough - enough?

I make excuses for him, I cover for him, I defend him. Why do I continue to care so much, when its obvious to everyone around me that he truly doesn't care about me. He makes decisions that directly affect me and our son, that could be devastating, and yet I still try to defend him, make excuses for him. Be nice to him.

I think I've finally hit "enough". While I'm here, up late packing up his clothes, his things, his mess - he's off camping with his new best friend. I have bills to pay, a house to manage, a son to care for, a job to do, and I'm ok with that. Really. But I have decided that I've had enough.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next for my son and I, but we'll face it together. We've both had "enough".

I can't, can I?

Now that I'm a "single woman", I'm realizing all of the things that I never learned to do because it was my husband's job. I've never used a power lawn mower, programmed the furnace thermostat, replaced the furnace filters, operated a weed eater, fixed a leak, cleaned the roof gutters, or any of the other hundred joys of owning a home. It's never been a question of whether I'm capable, it was a typical "his job vs. her job" marriage.

Last night I pulled into the parking structure at The Hult Center where I'm stage manager for the ACE production of 'Cats' when I noticed my left headlight was burned out. I immediately panicked knowing that I couldn't just tell my husband to replace it. On consulting with a long time friend, whom I've admired for being an "independent woman", she asked if I had the manual for my car. (long pause) Oh. Yes, I do. Feeling rather embarrassed I retrieved the manual and checked the car maintenance section.

This morning I put on a semi-grubby shirt (not too grubby - I am going out in public), my fingerless knit gloves (it's cold out), my new black Harley motorcycle boots (they need to be broken in), and a pair of super-baggy jeans. Although my other jeans would look better, I need them for the show tonight. I may be dressing to work on a car, but I'm still a girl! I don my headphones, grab a package of wet-wipes, and head out to the car.

The short version is that I managed to remove the burned out headlamp, buy a new one at Knecht's, and install it all by myself. I'm sure that next time it won't take me an hour and ten minutes since I now know what the book means by "swivel base, remove wire, replace lamp". Auto manuals are obviously written by men - short sentences, lots of blank space.

When the thought of being solely responsible for the house, yard, and car overwhelms me, I need to remember that I can do it, I just have to learn how. I momentarily forgot all of the many, many things I've learned to do over the years, most of them self-taught. I've always said that I can learn almost anything from a book; I taught myself to knit, sew, draw, quilt, cook, garden, basic SQL programming, build planter boxes, design decks, refinish wood floors, speak a little Korean, hang wallpaper, lay ceramic tile. There really isn't anything that I can't learn to do, if I want to. And for the projects that are too big for me, I can hire someone else to do them.

So while I will need to locate a reasonably priced handyman (I refuse to get on the roof), I'm sure I can handle everything else. I have a feeling that Google 'how to' searches are going to become my best friend!

The only thing in life that stays the same...

The only thing in life that stays the same is that everything in life changes. Some changes are small, some big, some good, some bad, and some changes are impossible to quantify.

Do you remember the day you moved out of your parents' house and got a place all your own? Maybe with a room mate, maybe not, but still being independent and totally self-sufficient. Well, I don't remember that because I went straight from my parents' house to married life. Now, in my mid-forties, I find myself learning to be independent. True, I have a teenage son living in the house, but for the first time in my life I'm the only head of the house, the person solely responsible for everything. And it's a bit overwhelming.

I haven't decided if this change is good or bad - probably a lot of both. It's definitely going to be a challenge.