Mother versus Son

Mom:  Please stop wearing my socks.
Son:  They were in my drawer.
Mom:  Because you sort the clean laundry!

Mom: (texts) It's 1:15am, you're late.
Mom: (texts) It's 1:25am, if you're not home in 5 minutes you're grounded.
Mom: (texts) It's 1:35am, now I'm getting scared.  Where are you?
Mom: (calls) It's 2:00am, where are you?
Son: In bed.
Mom: What time did you come in?
Son: Just before 1am, you were in bed so I didn't say 'hi'.
Mom: Oh.  Nevermind.  Sleep well, I love you.

Son: Mom, how do you tell a girl you're not interested but want to be friends?
Mom: You tell her you're glad you're friends.  Be straight with her but kind.  Treat her like you would any good friend and answer questions honestly with concern for her feelings and you'll be fine.
Son: And she won't be upset?
Mom: Nope, not a chance in hell.  She's be heartbroken and you'll feel like crap.
Son: Gee, thanks Mom.

Insecurities and other demons...

Oh, yes, I am definitely a "theatre person".  This came to my attention again this evening when I realized that I am just as insecure as so many performers I know.  Obviously, insecurity knows no bounds – or job description.  No, I'm not a performer, I run the lights.  Doesn't sound like much, but I try to do it well, to always do my best, to be as perfect as possible.  Most people never notice the lights, unless they're bad.  The lights should add to the show, not distract from it.  I try to make the lighting as artistic and effective as possible, so that the audience doesn't notice the lights have changed, but they feel the difference.  It's important to me.  So when I go to the last rehearsal before the show opens and am told "You're just not getting it", it's upsetting.

I then spent the next 2 hours questioning every single lighting change – all 186 of them.  By the end I'm a wreck, and finish up the evening with a "knockdown drag-out" fight with the director.  He says I'm not listening to him, I say he's not listening to me.  I haven't received one single note (that's a correction, for you non-theatre folk) since I started this show, which was beginning to make me very nervous.  It's very difficult to know what someone else is thinking, what changes need to be made, what it is they actually want – when they don't tell you.  For myself, I probably should have asked, but I assumed if there was a problem I'd be told.

Needless to say, the evening did not end well.  I snapped, he snapped, I got snotty, he got snotty – basically, we became a pair of 6 year olds throwing temper tantrums.  Not my finest moment by any means.  Now, having been home for a couple of hours, I find I'm obsessing about it.  Not just the falling out with someone who is extremely important to me, but the incredible insecurities of possibly not doing my job well, of making a mistake.  He and I have had falling outs before, and probably will again, but we're still family.  And as much as I'd like to blame this entire incident on him, I can't.

Insecurity, anxiety, and a complete lack of self-confidence.  A triple threat to my own sense of well-being, to my own emotional sanity, so to speak.  So, what to do about it?  I've examined it, I've tried to deny it, I've tried to accept it, I've even tried to eat my way through it – but that's an entirely different set of insecurities that I won't go into now.  So, what do I do?  I remind myself that I am good at what I do.  I remind myself that making a mistake isn't the end of the world.  I remind myself that I have lots of friends and family who love me, in spite of my faults.  And finally, I remind myself that it's past my bedtime, and worrying about what happened isn't going to change it.  If it isn't what he wants, it's not my fault, and not my problem if I don't get any guidance.  My focus needs to be on taking care of myself, and doing the very best job I possibly can for the cast and the audience.  So, off I go to bed, insecurities, anxieties, and cats, all in one bed.