A rose by any other name... still stinks?

Shakespeare said something to the effect of "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". Someone else said, "What's in a name?". My question is, "What's in a title?".

I've never really been that hung up on titles, though I've been quick to point out that I was an administrative assistant not a secretary, or that I am my son's 'real mom' although not his birth mom. I've had lots of titles, assistant director, light operator, stage manager, receptionist, clerical assistant, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, artist, etc. I always felt that they're just titles, they don't define who I am, the simply describe some of my roles in life.

So it is with surprise that I now find myself concerned with my job title. Does it reflect what I do for a living? Does is establish my place in the hierarchy? Is it taken seriously or dismissed out of hand as being too low on the totem pole to be of concern? Does it come with any perks? Should it be changed to better describe my position? What would changing it accomplish? The biggest question of all is - Would anyone even care what my title was or becomes?

I do see in myself the need to have a clearly defined title, along with an even greater need to have a clearly defined position established within the company hierarchy. That's just a fancy way of saying, "Who am I and where do I fit in?", questions we all ask at different times of our lives.

Sure wish I had an answer!

Recent events within my "circle" have made me feel demoted, devalued, and dismissed. Not a feeling that sits well with me, not anymore. At one time I would have accepted it and eaten my way through my depression. I can't eat my way through these situations any more, so I find myself getting angrier than in the past. I will not be dismissed, nor will I tolerate what I do being dismissed as unimportant.

Please understand one thing, though, which is that I do appreciate the opportunities I've been given to take on new projects and expand my duties. If I hadn't been given these opportunities I would have left long ago, bored out of my mind. I like where I work, I adore my bosses, and I have no desire to work anywhere else. But, it's hard having the tasks that I was hired to handle being dismissed as low on the priority list, which makes me feel that I'm personally low on the same list.

Ok. Time to end the pity party. No more whimpering, whining, or pouting (I couldn't think of another word that started with "wh"). Time to get over it. Yeah, right, sure... LOL

Mmmm, good!

It's a rainy, cold Saturday afternoon, and I was hungry. So I did what every good housewife does, I bitched at my husband. Actually, I pulled out my brand new Korean cookbook and flipped through it, coming across what appeared to be a very simple soup recipe. I made it in about 10 minutes, and thought it was delicious! Beansprout soup doesn't sound that great, it doesn't even look all the great, but it was quite tasty. I had to change a few ingredients, adapt it to my American cupboard, but it was still so very easy and good. And according to the cookbook, it will ward off the common cold during the winter months. I can't wait to pick up more Korean recipes to try.

Campbells soup it ain't, but then I'm no Betty Crocker!

Cubicles and other insults

I usually like my job, it's interesting, varied, a good employer, and I get to talk to some really nice people. Some not so nice, but the nice ones make up for the grumpier ones. Today, I'm not so happy. I've been demoted.

I haven't actually been demoted, but it feels that way. I have to give up my nice, moderately sized, quiet cubicle for a make-shift shoebox with a window. My boss is moving to a slightly smaller office with a window, but she's been in that space before and likes it. It also moves her farther away from me. She doesn't think its a big deal, but we converse a lot through the doorway separating us. I think it's going to be a pain in the butt! I'm actually going to be more isolated than I was before.

Our newest member of the team, although he has been able to take over a few tasks for me, is also one more person that I'm administrative support for. Love him and am very happy he's joined us, no question about that. The powers that be are also expanding programs and projects for the people I support, which is very exciting for them and the department.

I'm glad these things are happening, and glad that I get to support these new projects in my small way. But due to various reasons that are out of my control, none of the areas that I work with directly will be expanded. At times, it feels as if they aren't even being acknowledged. I don't feel like I'm being acknowledged. I feel like I'm being dismissed, and it sucks. I have to admit, having the "new guy" explaining to me why my work is being dismissed as unimportant in the grand scheme of things did rather piss me off! Six weeks does not an expert make.

Being low man on the totem pole can be a bit "sucky". Information is like the rain, it hits the top of the pole first, then trickles down. Sometimes the bottom of the pole, which supports the entire structure, feels dry as a bone. And a bit squashed.

Tomorrow is casual Friday; I'm sure things will look better in jeans and comfy shoes. It's still a good job, a good place to work, with a good boss, and job security. I am grateful for it -- mostly.

New Experiences

According to my fortune cookie tonight, I should be on the look-out for opportunities to explore new experiences. How's that for 20/20 hindsight?

I'm usually open to new experiences, such as international travel, authentic Korean food, riding a subway in Seoul, taking a Korean taxi by myself, using my first Asian "squat pot", being a minority however briefly. Getting in the taxi van to go to the airport knowing the driver is the same man who picked me up from the airport, still wearing the same dark glasses. Crossing a typical Seoul street on foot, all 7 lanes. Yeah, I'm good with new experiences.

I'm willing to try almost anything... once. I wouldn't recommend taxi drivers who wear dark glasses at night. Once was enough, twice was scary.

Day Something

I have no idea what day it is, or was, or whatever. I've been home 24 hours now. But then again, I left Seoul on Saturday Oct 17 at 2pm and arrived in Eugene on Saturday Oct 17 at 1pm. I'm so confused!

The flight home was fine, relatively uneventful. Lots of turbulence over the Pacific, but we got into San Francisco an hour early, which was nice since it took a long time to get through all of the security. Late leaving San Fran, of course, as it seems they over-booked the flights and didn't have enough gates to accommodate. They had planes stacked up 3 deep waiting to board passengers.

The view from my hotel room.

There is so much still running around in my head about the trip. It was so incredible it's hard to put into words. The city is huge, and has over 10 million inhabitants, and yet it didn't fee over-crowded. It was nice to walk along the street, bump into people and not worry about offending someone. No one takes notice. Even though very few Koreans speak English, they all seemed quite nice and willing to help however they could.

Street vendors attracting crowds.

I really thought I would feel uncomfortable being in the minority. There were more Caucasians in public places than I thought there would be, but I was still obviously the minority. When I went to lunch with the Holt PAS department I was the only white in the restaurant. No one felt the need to speak English, or seemed to care that I couldn't understand or take part in the conversation. At first I felt awkward, but by the end of lunch I could tell when they were teasing someone else, or talking about work, and I didn't feel awkward anymore. More than anything I wished I could understand what they were saying making me more determined to learn Korean.

I learned so much about the Korean culture in general, and regarding adoption in Korean in particular. I realized how much we need to do to teach our parents about the culture their children came from, and how much we need to learn to help our adult adoptees understand the culture that placed them into a home in America.

I really believe, now more than ever, that it's important that we understand every culture our children come from. Immersing our children in their birth culture isn't as important as our understanding of that culture. Kids want to know about the current styles at school, the newest iPod, the popular movies. But when they ask us why their birth parents placed them for adoption, we need to be able to explain the culture that motivated their birth parents' decision. We need to be able to explain to our parents why the birth country is asking for certain requirements, why country A will allow 5 kids in the home but country B only allows 2, why their child is afraid of something as simple as a stuffed animal, why he won't eat hamburgers or will only eat noodles with sesame oil morning, noon, and night.

I look forward to learning about the cultures of all the countries we work with. We should all learn about other cultures - learn to honor them, not ridicule them for being strange to us.

Day 9

No new pictures today. Sorry. Spent most of the day working at Holt PAS, and visiting GOA'L, an organization run by mainly European Korean adoptees. Angry European Korean adoptees, who don't like Holt Korea or Holt International. Apparently, we're simply evil. No matter what I said, how I described our services, and how we want to work with them not against them, the adoptee I met with didn't hear a word of it. It was eye-opening, and disappointing. They really are fostering the dislike for all adoption agencies, not trying to work with them for the benefit of the adoptees.

Had lunch with Eun Hee - some chicken/veggie dish that was fantastic. The tenderest chicken I've ever eaten, all drenched in a thick spicy sauce. I ate too much, but we walked it off later. We went to Namdaemun Market for a little shopping, but had to go back to the office to finish our meeting. It's going to take me a long time to write the report of this trip, I learned and experienced so much. I'm tired and looking forward to seeing my family again, but sorry I have to leave.

I did learn a few more lessons the past couple of days: If you've been waiting at a red light for longer than you think you should, and there aren't many cars, it's ok to go ahead through the intersection. Yellow lights are a suggestion, red lights are a slightly stronger suggestion. It's ok to drive in the on-coming lane if you're going around another vehicle and can get back into your own lane before the on-coming cars hit you. There isn't a taxi driver in Seoul who knows where Holt or the Somerset Hotel is, even though they all have the latest GPS systems. It's also ok to park on the sidewalk if you can squeeze in and won't be staying longer than a couple of hours.

I'm sure I'll be posting more after I get home and remember more interesting things about the trip. The cultural differences are even clearer to me now, and I can see how important it is for our families and adoptees to understand that. Americans are the impertinent teenagers, from a very young country created by many, many cultures. Korea, Thailand, Philippines, China, all of these countries are the older generations, with rich histories and long established cultures that should be honored as they honor their elderly. Regardless of how modern they become, their culture will always be unique to themselves, and should be respected, not ridiculed. That's what we need to convey to our families and adoptees in a gentle but persistent way, so that they can also respect the birth parents' culture and understand the birth parents' actions.

Okay, I gotta go pack and sleep. I have so enjoyed this trip, and am so grateful for the opportunity that I've been given. And I can't wait to continue sharing it with all my family and friends. See you soon!

Day 8

Another good day in Seoul; beautiful scenery, excellent food, and great company. I spent the morning talking with Mrs. Seol Eun Hee about Post Adoption Services, then had Korean BBQ with her and the staff. I definitely like Korean food! I need to get a Korean cookbook when I get home.

In the afternoon we visited the Seoul train station to take pictures of the original building. Unfortunately, it is being renovated and we were unable to see any of it. They did have many pictures from the station's past, which I took photos of. Then we visited the Suh Dae Moon police station and a typical police box (like a small sub-station). Abandoned or lost children were often found inside the train station, or brought to a police station or box. Often, that is the only information in the adoptee's file. Having pictures of these may help some adoptees to understand that they weren't just discarded, they were left in public places, and taken to the local police to locate the birth parents.

Train station

Police box with a very cute young officer. I told Eun Hee I thought he was awfully cute, and she told him what I said. He blushed, then straightened his tie. He was even cuter, and probably thinks I'm just a weird middle-aged American.

I had a short day today, which was nice. Tomorrow will be longer, but just as interesting. I miss home, but I'm sad my trip is almost over. Even with my legs and feet as tired and sore as they are, I'd come back in a heart beat. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to come over with the Holt Christmas Gift Team. Personally, I think Holt should do an exchange program where an HICS employee comes to work at Holt Korea for a month, and vice versa. Of course, the employee would have to be me! It would actually be a great way to understand the culture and witness the work first hand. Hmmm... It won't happen, but I can dream.

Day 7

I think today is Day 7. I'm getting a little rummy. I have never walked so much in my life! We spent the morning at the Holt office with Dr. Jeong. We saw 12 waiting children (considered special needs), many of them have been released to HICS for adoption, a couple have even been assigned to families. They were so cute!

Dr. Jeong is in the striped shirt. The women with the kids are their foster mothers. These women and their families commit so much time, effort, and love to these kids, it leaves me speechless. Some of the special needs are fairly major, but some are also fairly minor. One little boy is totally on target developmentally, absolutely adorable, but deaf. If I could, I'd take him in a heartbeat.

After an absolutely delicious lunch of Korean BBQ, served traditionally by cooking on grates over hot coals sunk into each table, seat on the floor, we went to Ilsan Town. Ilsan is Holt's "orphanage". It really isn't an orphanage any longer, its a small town with 250 residents ranging in age from toddler to 60. They are all special needs, some requiring round the clock intense care. There are also married couples living in their own cottages, supporting themselves through working in Ilsan's occupational training. Ilsan has its own hospital, in desperate need of renovation, church, huge gymnasium, central office, physical therapy, etc. It's incredible.

After returning to Seoul, Angie and I had dinner with my counterpart here, Mrs. Seol Eun Hee, and her supervisor, Mr. Lee. I know many of you have heard me talk about Mrs. Seol, and what a great time we have together. Mr. Lee has almost the same sense of humor! We went to a seafood and sushi buffet that was amazing. Although I only eat small amounts, the food is has been fantastic. Very flavorful. Even the soft serve sesame ice cream for dessert!

Angie, Pat, and Naomi leave for home tomorrow, escorting the cutest year old boy to his new family. I stay on for two more days, leaving Saturday. My lay-over in San Francisco is very short, so please pray for me to make it from one end of the airport to the other in time to catch my flight. I really, really don't want to spend another night there, especially on my own.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings! I can't wait to put my feet up!!!

Day 6

Very busy day today. Up early -- well, early for me! Taxi to the Holt offices. They had devotions and an awards ceremony, it's the 54th anniversary of Holt Korea. It was interesting listening to a church service in Korea. My friend Eun Hee lent me her bible which is an NIV Korean-English bible. It was pretty cool, especially since the NIV bible is what I'm used to. I'd like to get the Korean-English version.

After a tour of the Holt offices we went to lunch with President Min Kyung-tae, David Lim (from Eugene who happened to be in Seoul at the same time), Molly Holt, 3 physicians from Ohio doing a residency exchange, and a couple of guys I don't know. We went to Bulgogi Brothers - sort of a Korean version of our Burrito Brothers, but much nicer. The food was excellent, although with my dietary limitations I didn't get to sample much. What I could sample was delicious. Very traditional meal, the meat is cooked in a pot set into each table, with many side dishes.

Touring the office here made me realize how easy I have it in my own office. They have 3 or 4 people squashed into one room the same size as the director's offices at HICS. Some offices were slightly bigger, but the cubicles are only low half walls, so there is no privacy at all. These are temporary quarters as a new building will be erected on the site of the old Holt offices, but it won't be finished for at least 28 months. We also got to see a lot of babies coming into the office, foster mothers picking up donated clothes, seeing the Holt physicians, and even a couple of families meeting their new children.

After lunch Angie and I visited a home for unwed mothers, which was very interesting. Some of the girls looked so young! They also asked some very good questions, obviously concerned that their children will have a good life in their new families. We also visited a foster family at their home. Angie and Pat will be escorting the little boy home to Eugene to meet his new family. Tomorrow is his first birthday, he's been with this foster family since he was 2 weeks old. He was so cute, very chubby, and very active. The foster parents were marvelous, long time foster parents for Holt. It was such an honor to meet them in their home.

I have learned a few lessons since coming to Seoul: The white lines on the streets are suggestions; the clutch on a 5 speed is optional; if you can fit your bumper between the two cars next to you, then you have the right to change lanes; motorcycles don't have to obey any traffic laws; and even if you don't need to change lanes, you should do so every block or so, just to make your presence known. Oddly enough, the driving here really doesn't bother me, as long as I don't have to do the driving!

No pictures today, too busy. We are hoping to visit Ilsan Town tomorrow, Holt's orphanage and where Harry and Bertha Holt are buried. Our guide/translator/exceptional friend Mrs. Lee Eun Jeong went to the hospital today for an emergency appendectomy! We saw her this morning, and she didn't look well, very pale. By the afternoon she was in and out of surgery and feeling no pain. I've met her before, and loved working with her. She is also the social worker who handles all US Holt clients. She had 4 families coming in today, and another 3-4 tomorrow. She's going to be out for at least 2 weeks. I wish one of us spoke Korean so we could help out tomorrow with the foster mothers and new families!

I'll be sure to get a picture of me in front of the Holt office tomorrow.

PS. I love it here!

Day 5

Day 5, a quiet day. We all pretty much hung out at the hotel today. Angie and I walked over to a palace nearby, looked around there for a bit, but didn't feel like paying for the tour. Then we decided to just hang out here, nap, read, be totally boring. My legs are SO sore from walking that it was nice to just rest them. I regret missing out on doing the touristy stuff, but the rest of my week is going to be very hectic, so just resting today was probably a good thing.

Ordered Indian food to be delivered for dinner tonight. Excellent food, so spicy it burned all of my taste buds off. Definitely more authentic than the little Indian buffet at the mall! I'm thinking ice cream might be a good idea for dessert. Stay tuned for more adventures!

Day 4 Continued

It's now the end of Day 4. We spent most of the morning and early afternoon shopping in an area known as Insadong. A very narrow street with shops on each side. The street is really only used by pedestrians and scooters now. Lots of knick-knacks, tourist stuff, food stands with guys yelling to draw customers. Pretty cool, actually. Ate in a typical noodle restaurant, although I had dumpling soup since I can't eat noodles. I ate the soup and the filling in the dumplings. Very tasty!

The day didn't start off well, though. While walking to Insadong we were accosted by a man who seemed to have serious issues with 3 white women and a Korean child walking the streets. He walked up behind us while we were waiting at a cross walk and started yelling, ran over to Naomi, age 9, and slapped her face. I grabbed her and shoved her into mom's arms, then he started yelling at Angie and I, too.

A very nice couple stepped up behind us and every time the guy tried to get closer to Pat & Naomi, the husband would quietly move between them. As we started to cross the street they guy kicked Angie in the butt. Fortunately she was walking fast enough he didn't do any serious damage. The nice couple continued to run interference until the guy wandered off, both asking if Naomi were alright. We don't speak Korean, and they had very limited English, but sign language worked. Pretty upsetting way for a little girl to start off the day!

Everybody is ok, took awhile to convince Naomi that it was going to be alright, but we eventually had a good day of it. The man was obviously mentally ill, possibly homeless, although there are very few obviously homeless in Seoul.

On the bright side, Seoul is a very pretty, very clean city. Angie and I are going to be heading off in a different direction tomorrow to see what appears to be a very large palace nearby. Should be very interesting!

Day 4

Um... What happened to Day 3? I got up on Friday morning (Day 2), got on a plane just after noon, sat on the plane (mostly in the dark) for 11+ hours, got off the plane and it was 5pm Saturday. Got to the hotel, went to bed between 8 and 9pm, and woke up at 8am on Sunday (Day 4). Very strange feeling.

The day is beautiful, and the view from my hotel room is great. Seoul seems as pretty as it looks in the tourist books. The ride from the airport was a bit unnerving. The nice little old man who picked us up didn't speak English, grabbed one of our bags, and took off to the other end of the airport. I couldn't keep up. I can walk, just not fast. I thought I was going to die by the time we got to the van. It was still light out, then went to full dark by the end of the hour and a half ride to Seoul. Traffic is crazy, but that didn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that our driver still had on his dark sunglasses -- at night.

Today should be interesting. We're going shopping. I know this is going to be an interesting day. I don't walk fast, and my traveling companions do. But, we're centrally located, and I can always take a taxi back to the hotel and do a little sight-seeing close by. I'm good. Ok, I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I'm tired... LOL

I'll take some pictures today and try to post them later. Bye!

Day 2

I don't know why anyone would say that I'm dependent on technology! When I checked into the hotel last night (San Francisco) I realized I had the chance to recharge my "stuff" before I headed off for Korea. The PDA is recharging in the kitchen-ette, the cell phone by the bed, the laptop on the desk, the mp3 player plugs into the laptop to charge, and the electric shaver in the bathroom. What's so funny?

Went to bed at 10pm, after dozing off a couple of times, then woke up every 2 hours trying to get comfortable. My legs hurt, I have shin splints, my neck hurts (I just pulled it a little), and my lower back is killing me. I was up from 3am to 4am, probably because I normally only sleep for 6-7 hours, so my body may have thought it was time to get up. Oddly enough, I feel fairly well rested this morning. Of course, I've only been up for an hour and a half. We'll see how I feel in 6 hours!

Need to finish packing... again. We're going to get to the airport REALLY early. And wouldn't you know, San Fran airport has almost no fog this morning. Why couldn't it have been that way yesterday?

Talk to you soon....

Korea, here I come...

or not....

I made it 451 air miles. Then came to a screeching halt. Our flight out of Eugene was delayed almost 3 hours, arriving in San Fran with less than 25 minutes to board our connecting flight to Inchon, S Korea - at the other end of the airport. One of my companions, Pat, and her daughter made the flight. Angie waited for me, I couldn't walk as fast, and they literally closed the doors on our noses. Angie got there about 30 seconds before I did, and watched the woman close the door at the entrance to the ramp. They refused to let us on!

So, we're staying in San Fran tonight to catch the flight out tomorrow. United only has 1 flight from San Fran to Korea daily. Although I appreciate the chance to shower and rest up, I'm losing a day of sight-seeing in Seoul! We were able to claim our luggage here, so at least we can change clothes and relax a bit. Pat's luggage didn't make the flight so it's arrive when we do on Saturday. I plan on telling her that we decided to escort her luggage for her, make sure it got to Korea, that's why we missed the flight.

I feel bad that Angie had to wait for me and missed the flight, but then she told me of her flight to Bulgaria last year. She was traveling with another novice traveler, like me, and had separated in the Amsterdam airport to do some shopping, agreeing to meet at the gate. Angie fell asleep in the waiting area and missed her flight. Her companion went on without her, thinking she was already on the plane. I feel a little better now. I also feel very fortunate to be traveling with Angie, she's really nice, and has a good sense of humor.

Well, these are the events that make for good stories. So, on to Korea! (tomorrow)

And I'm OFF!....

But you already knew that, didn't you?

I leave for Seoul, Korea, on Thursday. I've never been overseas; in fact, I haven't flown in 24 years. I'm not really nervous about flying, although I am a bit claustrophobic. It's just very strange knowing that I'm going to another country, another continent, another hemisphere.

Wish me luck, a smooth flight, and decent weather. I'll try to blog while I'm over there, including photos. If I'm not too exhausted, that is!

I wish I'd known you better

Today I attended the memorial service for one of my co-workers, John Aeby. He devoted the last 30 years of his life to serving children through his countless videos, publications, and stories for Holt International. He died too soon, too young, and I regret not having known him better. He was a quiet, kind, talented, gentle man, who always greeted me by name with a smile. He lived for his family, he worked for the children, he celebrated life every single day, often times in some of the worst places on this Earth. He never lost his faith or his love for everyone he knew.

Four years wasn't long enough, I wish I'd known you better, John. You are missed.

Don't sweat the little things - savor them!

Looking at the big picture is always important, in any situation. But sometimes you have to look at the little things to know when something is truly worthwhile.

So what are the little things? Today it’s planting tomatoes, peppers, and flowers. Yesterday it was moving the car seat forward one notch and not having the steering wheel rub my belly. Last week it was tying my shoes – by myself, and without pain. Maybe tomorrow it will be buying a new blouse in a smaller size.

These may seems inconsequential to most, but to someone who gave up hope of ever leading a normal life again, the little things make life worth living. What do you take for granted every day? Playing on the floor with your kids, walking down a store aisle, sitting in a park swing, shopping at the mall.

These are all things I’m looking forward to, if not tomorrow, then very soon. And I don’t ever want to take anything for granted. Do you?

Hard to Stay Positive

Today we found out that Monaco has not been paying the insurance premiums as they said they would, so my husband no longer has insurance coverage. We now have to pay for his new crown, his doctor appointment, and all of his medications. Adding him to my insurance would reduce my take-home pay by over 25%. I feel the need to swear again.

I appreciate all the prayers from our family and friends, but I'm finding it hard to stay positive. I'm swamped at work, stressed out, and not feeling well. I don't have anymore time off, but I still felt bad enough to leave work early today. I'll have to go in this weekend to make up some of the time, and stay late next week. Not the end of the world, and I actually get more done when no one else is there, so I don't really mind. I just worry I'm going to set off Holt's security alarm! That's so embarrassing.

I'm sorry I'm not more uplifting or humorous tonight. Maybe next week will be better. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Good news, bad news

The good news is that my surgery went very well, my recuperation has been mostly smooth sailing, and I'm now back to work full time. I'm tired, and having a tough time getting used to the changes in my diet and energy, but all in all, I'm good.

The bad news is that my husband received his pink slip today. He's been on "temporary layoff" for three months now. We thought he'd be going back to work within the next couple of weeks, but he got the letter today terminating him. The company is closing the local plants and have terminated virtually everyone. We cried, we swore, we got really depressed. Now we move on.

Easier said than done, considering our income has been reduced and my husband is severely depressed. Our son is trying to raise enough money to go on the 3+ week trip to Germany in June, and not having very good luck. He even took a job as a dog walker to make some money. It's not easy for a 14-15 yr old to earn money in a city, especially with the current economy. He's been selling cookie dough, Tupperware, approaching local businesses to recruit sponsors. I'm proud of him, and really wish we could afford to send him on such a wonderful trip. Student exchange programs are very cool.

It's scary, no one is accepting applications anywhere in town. We have a small savings and will find a way to manage. My company will not be giving pay raises this year, and my part time work has been cut back.

On the bright side, I was able to do some painting while I was laid up, and turned out a few really nice works. Here are a couple of them. The fairy is a from a drawing a friend did - she's an amazing portrait artist, in pencil. I can't draw people to save my life. We've wanted to collaborate but never did anything about it. I think we should, don't you?

Well, that's all for now. I'll check back in again soon.

12 hours and counting...

My surgery is scheduled for 10:10am; just slightly over 12 hours from now. Yes, I'm nervous, excited, scared, worried, happy, and surprised that the time has actually come. It's one of those things you spend a long time hoping for and working towards, but deep down inside you don't think it's really going to happen.

Oye. It's going to happen.

Please, no visitors in the hospital without asking Fred. When I'm sick and hurting, my hubby is my favorite person. And I hate it when people see me with my hair standing straight up, wearing those lovely hospital gowns, and zoned out on pain meds. Wait until I'm home so I can greet you with my hair standing straight up, wearing an old flannel nightie, and zoned out on pain meds. Hmmmm....

I'll update as soon as I can!

8 days and counting...

I could probably say it's 7 days and counting since it's 9:30pm; this day is nearly over. My husband came with me today for my PAT (Pre-Admission Testing). 4 1/2 hrs of answering questions and waiting in tiny rooms.

First was the questions from OBC nurse #1, the official weigh-in, and schedule discussion. Then it was to conference room A for a class with the nurse case manager with 3 other patients scheduled for surgery on 2/2 and 2/4, followed by a shorter class by the actual surgeon. Back to the little exam rooms for individual meetings with the surgeon, we were the 4th room, so had to wait quite awhile.

Next, wait around some more for nurse #2, more questions, more paperwork, more instructions. Finally, off to NW Anesthesia to meet with the anesthesiologist. But first, more questions, more waiting, and an EKG. After a 5 min meeting with the anesthesiologist, we were finally free to go. Sheesh!

I report in to Sacred Heart at River Bend (the big new hospital complex) at 7am. Me? 7am? Oye. We park in lot S. S for surgery, makes sense. Although, the parking structure for River Bend Pavilion is C. Go figure. Anyway, we go to the 3rd floor entrance, marked SPA. The class was very disappointed to find out that SPA stands for Surgical Patient Admission. We were SO looking forward to the facial and pedicure. Surgery is scheduled for 10:10am. Not 10:00 or 10:15, mind you! If they can schedule surgeries that tightly, why can't your doctor's office? Surgery is supposed to take about an hour and a half, with another hour or so in recovery. Once back to my room, they expect you to be up walking within 2-4 hours. The days of a long hospital stay are officially over.

On the bright side, I was supposed to lose 15# to qualify for surgery -- I actually lost 22.5#. We also found out that they no longer use catheters, or pain medication on a strict schedule. Pain meds are on request only. There are no external stitches; the small incision sites are glued together.

This is definitely going to be an experience..... stay tuned....

14 days and counting...

It's official, my surgery date is Feb 4, 2009. I wasn't able to schedule it any later unless I was willing to wait another month or more. Now the hard work really starts, getting all the pre-op requirements done, tying up loose ends at work, opening a show, and keeping my nerves in check.

Occaisionally, I wonder what I'm about to do, and wonder if it really is the right thing for me.

When I get up after sitting for only 15 minutes and find that I can't walk because I've stiffened up, I realize it might be the right thing for me. When I continually send my family to fetch things for me because I'm always in pain, I know its the right thing for me. No matter how much this scares me, I know its the right thing to do, because I've worked very hard to have a life - now I deserve to live that life to its fullest.

There are a few problems to be worked out, such as coverage for a week or two at the theatre. And not having enough time off accumulated to cover more than a week of recuperation time, which will make for a short paycheck. We don't know if Fred will be going back to work in February. If he does, which we hope, then I'll need someone to shuttle me to and from the hospital, and to check on me periodically during the days.

So keep the prayers coming, and always keep the laughter going.

Oh, crap!

The old adage comes true again... be careful what you wish for.

My surgery is tentatively scheduled for Feb 2, but we're requesting it be put off for one week, to Feb 9, to accomodate work and personal schedules. I was notified at 4:30p today. Can we say short notice??? I'm not complaining, really, but it does suddenly make it very REAL.

Wish me luck, I have a root canal scheduled for tomorrow morning. Strangely enough, I'd rather have major surgery than a root canal. Mild claustrophobia, personal space bubble, all that stuff.

Prayers are appreciated, donations gladly accepted, and laughter required.

Freedom

A couple of weeks ago the leader of our support group asked us to think about our lives before surgery, and what we want our lives to be like after surgery. We were to use one word to describe each of these. My "before" word is complicated. Not because I have so much going on, with two jobs, theatre, family, art, life in general. My life is complicated because I'm busy, AND overweight. The physical and social limitations that obesity puts on your life complicates everything. Where I shop, where I park, what I wear, how long I can stand, where I can sit, are there stairs, will I fit in that aisle, how far I can walk. Weight affects everything I do.

My "after" word is very simple. What surgery means to me... is FREEDOM.

Renewed Hope

December was a tough month for me -- my husband was laid off just before Christmas, my surgery date seemed to be moving farther away, money kept getting tighter, and the loss of a favorite activity, all combined to make me feel pretty low. Work is becoming more stressful, but still manageable. And... I pigged out at Christmas, most certainly gaining back the 15 pounds I am required to lose. Welcome depression.

I should have known better. Yesterday I receive a call moving my required pre-surgery classes from February to January. Next week. I have to weigh in at the first class. Crap. Convinced I'm in serious trouble I rush to Curves and jump on the scale. Say what? I gained 1 pound? No way. I get off the scale and get back on. Yup, I'm still down 14 pounds from my first weigh in back in September. Cool.

Maybe life won't be so bad after all. Money is still extra tight, and will be until he finds a job. I'm hoping to make some extra cash selling paintings, cards, quilts, whatever I can. In the meantime, I have things to look forward to -- that's the best thing.

A New Year

As I toast to the new year I consider my life, who I've been, and who I want to be. I stopped making New Year's resolutions a few years ago; why set myself up for failure and disappointment before the new year even begins? Now, I make plans for the next year. Along with those plans, I always say a prayer of thanks for the good things that happened during the year we're leaving behind.

I do acknowledge the events of the year that were not so pleasant, such as a death in the family, financial difficulties, job changes. I refuse to focus on those events, though, because I think I have too much to be thankful for. A loving husband, a wonderful son, a good job with people who like and appreciate me, a place to be creative and the self-confidence to create.

2009 will be a year of changes, some small, some very big. Those changes occasionally make me nervous, but they don't frighten me. Changes only frighten you when you fail to find the good that comes from that change. Cliche silver linings, good from bad, all that stuff -- it really does mean something if you're willing to examine your life. Losing a family member hurts, but realizing the legacy they have left can enrich your future.

Toast your future, thank your past, live for today.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that's why its called the Present"