I Just Can't Believe What He's Done This Time!

So, where to begin?  It's been quite awhile since my last blog post.  Life has had it's usual ups and downs, good and bad, happy and sad.  My mother's health issues, work stress, life with one teenager and 3 cats, latest theatre production, art projects, fabulous friends.  I may have been frustrated at times, but life was finally starting to look really good again, for the most part.  Invested in new phones for the kid and I, which of course comes with the new, higher, 2 year contract.  My son is doing really well, and is still the hi-light of my life.  Invested in an iPad - I know, I really didn't need it - but it is so freaking cool!  And it's been very useful at work.  A good friend whom I adore will be moving in with us, which will help with the house and the finances.  Things are looking up.  Or so I thought.

Then the ex-husband rears his ugly head, so to speak.  Just before last night's show I opened to mail to find out that he has defaulted on a joint loan and the bank is coming after me.  It was a Personal Line of Credit (PLC) that was in both of our names when we separated.  The agreement was that he would pay it off over time, and in exchange I would pay off his dentist and Les Scwab bills right away.  When we separated the PLC was under $2,400, and the payments were quite reasonable.  It was the only bill he had to assume when we separated, I kept everything else.

Little did I know that he was making the minimum payments, and then continued to borrow on the damn thing until the balance was over $3,500.  He changed the address but never took me off it, so he's been getting the notices and I was totally unaware.  My fault for trusting him, I know.  I also screwed up by not having it written into the divorce decree, which means I'm still liable for the entire balance.  I don't have any funds, savings, or retirement left.  I cashed out what little I had left to get our son through his senior year, which isn't cheap these days!

I honestly don't know what to do.  I have 10 days to pay the current balance of $3,398 or it goes to collections and they garnish my wages.  We're just squeaking by now between my job, my art, and what little freelance work I can pick up.  Thus the room mate in hopes of making it through the winter without having to shut off the heat.  There is no way we'll make it if they garnish my wages!

I debated whether to blog this or not.  Am I being petty by putting this "out there" for everyone to read, just to get back at him?  Probably.  Am I frustrated beyond belief?  Definitely.  Am I astounded by that man's complete and total self-centered callousness?  Absolutely.  I wanted to be nice to him during the divorce and keep the petty details out of the decree, to set him up with anything he needed to get a place of his own, to make certain this his son didn't lose any respect for his dad. 

Well, that attitude has certainly come back to bite me in the ass.  He's sent me $50 since Christmas and then called me a heartless bitch when I got pissed because he isn't making any payments at all.  He even refused to give the kid $30 for new shoes when he asked him this past week.  He's telling everyone that he misses us both so much, and he's so depressed because, and I quote from his email, "was totally fucked by you last year" so he just hasn't been able to get a job.  Excuse me?  Even our son said I was being too nice to him considering all the crap he's pulled all these years!  You know it's bad when your son tells you to take him to court.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.  I'll try to see my lawyer this week, but I have a feeling she's just going to tell me I'm screwed.  I don't know when I've been so scared.  Our lives were finally getting back on track and both of us were happy.  I've always known that man was selfish and jealous, he hated having to put our son's welfare ahead of his own.  But I just didn't want to believe he would take it this far.

I am trying to focus on the positive things in my life.  Nathan is the biggest one, but I also thank the Lord for my friends and family.  My sister, whose love and support I cherish every single day.  Larry, my brother.  My extended family - Joe, Jim, Diane, Erica, Michelle, Kelly, Andrea, Jackie, Stacie, Kathy.  Friends whom I appreciate more than they'll ever know - Cheryl, Jenny (she'll always be Jen to me), Laura, Jenn, Emily, Tyler & Laura, Mark, Kevin, Eun Hee, and so many others.  Forgive me if I didn't include you in the list, but you'll always be in my heart.  And of course, my 3 furry boys, whom I can always count on for a good laugh.

Ok, I promise the next post will be back to my positive, quirky view of life.  And not so far between... probably.  :-)

Perceptions

I understand that we all perceive others in a certain way, often to the extent that we can only interact with someone based on that premise.  I do it.  You do it.  It's normal.  It's also frustrating as hell.  I find that most people perceive me in one of three ways:

"The Middle" - the middle-class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-road, white-bread, politically correct, Barry Manilow singing, straight-laced, wall-flower.

"The Control Freak" - an OCD, bossy, know-it-all, by-the-book, perfectionist, over-achiever bent on world organization.

"The Brat" - a self-centered, un-balanced, sheltered, baby-of-the-family with no verbal filters who will never grow up and never change.

Some of these are true, but most are not. 

I'm most definitely not "white-bread", straight-laced, or politically correct.  Ok, so I may have a couple Barry Manilow CD's hidden away, I also have the soundtrack to "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and a DVD collection that requires a lock and key.

While I am OCD enough to be efficient at my job, I'm not the complete control freak others think I am.  I expect perfection from myself, but only desire to help others in any way I can with information, solutions, adaptability, and a lot of hard work.  My house is never clean or organized.  Rules are made to be bent or broken – if the occasion warrants it.

Baby of the family – yes.  Sheltered – no.  Un-balanced – yet to be decided.  I have no intention of ever growing up, but am constantly striving for personal growth.  It has taken me a lifetime to learn to care for myself, which you may see as self-centered, but I see it as the only way I can be there for you.

I refuse to be pigeon-holed, yet it often seems that everyone around me insists on it.  I have a sense of humor, swear like a logger, have a tattoo, and have been known to "inhale" on occasion.  I listen to loud music, love to dance, own not one but six battery operated "toys", and can't cook worth crap most of the time.  I sleep about 5-6 hours every night because there is too much to do to sleep my life away.  I love motorcycles, and think driving a 5-speed over back roads with the music up and the windows down is really hot.  And if I drop my verbal filters, it isn't because I'm not capable of using them, it's because I will not be strangled by them in my personal life.

Consider these things when next you think of someone in a certain way.  Perceptions are simply that – how YOU perceive ME.  And you have my promise that I will consider my own perceptions of you.

Have I Hit My Limit?

That's a question I've asked myself a few times of late... what's my limit?  How much more can I handle?  At the end of a really hellish week at work, filled with depression, hurt feelings, and frustration; my mother goes to the emergency room twice, then is admitted to the hospital with pneumonia; my debit card is hacked, cancelled, and my checking account cleaned out; and I had yet another disappointing, depressing first date.

It was one of those weeks that can only be summed up by one word - shit.

Mom will be in the hospital for a few days, but my sister is optimistic that they'll be able to clear up the pneumonia and send her home.  Her health is rapidly declining, but she's bounced back before, so we can only pray that she does so again.  I'll be going up to take care of her for a few days in 2 weeks.  My sister is great about keeping me updated on her, just in case I need to head up there quickly.

My debit card was hacked, and the bank cancelled it automatically as soon as they detected it, but my checking out was drained anyway.  It's a weekend, so I can't get ahold of anyone, but I'm confident I'll get the money back at some point.  Unfortunately, it usually takes 60-90 days for resolution, and I don't get paid again until June 1.  My savings account wasn't touched so I do have some "emergency funds" to use.  What really stinks is that I'd saved up 75% of the new washer cost and would have paid it in full when the bill comes in a couple of weeks.  Things are going to be very tight this month for Nathan and I, but we'll survive - we always do.

So, tomorrow starts a new week.  Selling stuff on Craigslist.  Making new cards to sell.  Re-working the budget.  Finding new ways to deal with work stress, if possible, or looking for a different job.  Doing whatever it takes.  Today, I plan on dressing up, closing the current show, then enjoying myself at the cast party afterwards.  Tomorrow will come soon enough.

Have I hit my limit?  No, not yet.  With the support of my sister and my friends, I'll be okay.  Not sure I'll ever date again, but I'll be okay.  Limits that moderate our behavior are good.  Limits that prevent us from growing, learning, or expanding our universe are not.  Weeks such as this force me to see my "limit" as something fluid - something I can push farther away with effort.  I can remind myself that the only person setting these limits is me.

Love Those Heels!

Finished another painting - of shoes.  I seem to have found another subject I can paint reasonably well and enjoy creating.  The only problem is that after I paint them I have the strongest urge to go shoe shopping!

"Black Heels"

Why Me?

My washing machine won't spin.
My filling crumbled and my tooth is killing me.
My studio headphones broke.
My ex hasn't paid me a dime since December.
My shed is full of bees.
My dryer vent hose is ripped.
My cats have worms.  Eeewww.
My bank balance is $1.
My love life is even less.

Shit.

Damn good thing I still have my sense of humor!

Coming Home to Paint

It has been too long since I last painted.  I created this watercolor over the span of just a couple evenings this week at the request of a dear friend who once asked me to draw her a pair of shoes.  While researching stock photos I came across these killer red shoes which appealed to me not only for their bright color and high polished reflections, but because I'd LOVE to own them!  While painting I noticed something - I was happy.  It's been far too long since I felt that particular brand of happiness. 

Separation, divorce, financial issues, a death in the family, the stresses of work and a second job, becoming a single parent, living on my own for the first time in my life, dating at my age.  The drama of everyday living.  It's been a tough year for my son and I, we've had a lot to deal with.  Life hasn't been easy.  But after I dug out my watercolors, dusted off my pallet, and finally made that first brush stroke I felt like I'd come home - at last.  I rediscovered a part of me that's been neglected of late.  I may draw during meetings on a pad of recycled paper with a mechanical pencil, but it just isn't the same.

Paint is a balm to my soul.  An expression of my heart.  A joy I'd forgotten.  I may never sell a single painting, but it isn't going to stop me from creating them.  I've learned my lesson - I don't just like to paint, I NEED to paint.  To be me.

I hope you like my newest work, a simple little painting for a sweet friend -

"Laura's Red Shoes"

Personal Definitions

My Personal Definitions Of...

• Distraction - leaving the house with your Mickey Mouse slippers on.
• Panic - when your teenage son says "Mom, we need to talk".
• Happiness - 30 lbs of furry love... with claws.
• Terror - your tax preparer leaves you a voice mail saying "Call me.  Today."
• Anti-Depressants - watercolors and sunshine.
• Aerobics - housework... with 30 lbs of furry love and claws.
• Grace - turning a corner in heels without falling over.
• Old - I don't know, I'll always be too young to be old.