Don't ask me why, but I decided to blog this afternoon, and realized that I haven't posted in almost a year, and posted very few last year. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Probably because I do love to write, and although I write all day long at work, it isn't about me. It has some of "me" in it, in my passion for my job, my humor, my empathy. In a blog I can write about me, what I'm thinking, what I like, and what I don't. Although it sounds very self-centered, it's really just about expression.
Who am I, you ask? If you read past entries you'll find a variety of answers to that question. Like everyone, it depends on where I am in my life. Not when, as time is relative, but where in the on-going process of living my life. This blog has seen me through a trip to Korea, a major surgery, a separation and divorce, several failed "romances", work stress, personal stress, the loss of loved ones, the joys of watching my son grow into a man.
Today I find myself thinking a lot about how others perceive me, how I perceive myself, and why there is a difference. Yes, more introspection. Deal with it. LOL Someone recently said I was very reserved. I don't see myself as reserved, but I do see myself as cautious. Emotionally cautious, until I get to know someone. I find it hard to trust, but once I do, I trust them implicitly, and will leave myself open in every way.
Yes, I do present myself as a white bread, middle-class, middle age, middle of the road, insecure housewife and mother. In many ways I am all of those things, for a variety of reasons. But if all you're going to see it what's on the outside, you're missing so much. I'm artistic, funny, smart, creative, moody, passionate, slightly OCD, ironic, adventurous, and much more.
Some people are very good at putting themselves "out there", what you see is what you get. I had it beaten into my head for years that no one wanted to see what/who I am, so hiding it became a way of life. No, I don't think that's sad. My past has made me who I am. And who I am is someone who
never takes life, love, friendship, family, creativity, laughter, stability, and joy for granted. Ever.
Ok, I will concede that I am reserved - in public. In private, I think I'm very different. I have learned to tailor how I present myself to the situation, the company I'm with, the subject of discussion. I appear reserved when I'm nervous. I appear reserved when confronted with a new situation, a new environment, when I'm off-balance or insecure. The key word in all of this is "appear".
So, if you aren't willing to look past appearances, you're going to miss out on so much. I'm pretty damn amazing - insecurities, OCD, artistic temperament, sense of humor, and occasionally ridiculous cat pampering aside.
Following are things I've said that I never thought I'd be saying, and whom to. Please remember that the principal players are my son Nathan, and my cats Jack, Tripper, and Indiana.
