Did You See the Sunset?

It didn't last long - but it was beautiful.  I've seen several of them lately that have been breath taking.  I don't know if it's the weather, or if I've simply paid more attention of late.  It's unusual for me NOT to notice as I see everything with an artist's eye for "How would I paint that?  What colors would I use?"

I've said it many times before, and it's rather cliche, but always remember to stop and appreciate the beauty that surrounds us.  I find beauty in places that most people wouldn't think about - like the drops of rain falling off the street sign, the dense fog along the timberline, the foam left in the wake of an ice cold wave along the coast.  Sometimes the overall picture doesn't strike us as beautiful, but if you take the time to stop, study, and see something for what it is, and what it can be, you will be amazed.  I know I am.  Constantly.

The Starter Date

Yes, it's happened again... I'm the "Starter Date".  And I must say I'm getting rather tired of it.

You move to a new area and don't know anyone yet.  You're just coming out of a long relationship and are ready to jump back into the dating pool.  You've decided to join the popular online dating site to meet the "perfect someone".  Whatever your reasons, you find yourself looking for that "perfect mate", but need to get your feet wet first.  You start chatting with someone who seems nice, funny, comfortable - safe.  You meet for drinks, and suddenly your butterflies are gone - you've had your first date and are ready to get serious about your search, now that you've had your "starter date".

As the starter date, let me tell you something... it sucks.  I have my own hopes, dreams, and desires.  Sure, dating is all about putting yourself out there, taking risks, and meeting people.  But when you know with an absolute certainty that he is just meeting you for drinks so he can get over his nervousness and get down to the business of finding "that special someone", it still hurts.  I'm comfortable, funny, nice, and safe.  He may even think I'm awesome, but just didn't feel that "instant romantic connection".  I'm the starter date.

So, what's the moral of this story?  I'm not sure there is one.  Just a prayer that one day I'll be the second date, and the third.  A prayer that I'll stop hearing "I've found someone special", because it's obvious I'm not "someone special".  A prayer that "one day" won't be so far away.

Breakdowns - Nervous and Otherwise...

Ever wonder what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown?  I used to, but I don't think I need to wonder any more.  After a rough week, a difficult and painful weekend, and a terribly upsetting Monday morning, I had a 6 hour anxiety attack.  By mid-afternoon I was ready to burst into tears, I couldn't concentrate, and knew I was going to explode and get myself fired at any moment.  So I did what any intelligent woman should do... I ran for the bathroom, called my doctor, and sobbed incoherently while she faxed a prescription for a Valium into my pharmacy.

Why, you ask?  Let me tell you... an ex who stopped paying support completely, who says I'm a bitch because I'm riding his ass, even though I'm paying for his cell phone, storing his crap, and bending the truth to our son to protect him.  My brother and I went from snippy to mean to incredibly hateful in a matter of a few emails, and although it won't kill me if he never speaks to me again, I still mourn for the loss of the brother I never really had.  Something to work through with the therapist.  My heating fuel company called me first thing on Monday morning to tell me they are holding my oil delivery because I "took too long to pay off the bill last year".  Say what?  After a nasty argument about their new policies - which they had never notified me of - she agreed to release the delivery but I now owe over $600 that is due by the 25th of this month.  Ummm... sure, like I have $600?

After spending the evening working on my budget I came to one very real, very clear conclusion... I'm screwed.  Without that support income, and after cutting back everything I can possibly cut back, plus some, I should have about $300 a month to buy food, gas, clothes, my son's lunches, school supplies, cat food... everything else that 2 people, 3 cats, and a house need.  Shit.

I have no hope of paying off the fuel bill without cashing out even more retirement.  I'm going to see about converting the furnace to electric, for which I'll probably have to cash out even more retirement.  God forbid my car should break, I should get sick, or my son get injured.  I say again... shit.

But life goes on - with the help of my sister and my dear friends, without whom I'd never survive, and that most wonderful of inventions... a 1/4 tab of Valium.

The Evil Power of FaceBook

FaceBook has become a hot topic of late, both at work and now at home.  What's appropriate as an employee, and what's offensive at home.  I've long suspected that choosing your friends wisely is important, and now I'm convinced that it is imperative, especially in the internet age.  Why, you ask?

In my depression over the train wreck that is my personal life, I made a relatively innocuous statement on my FaceBook status that men suck.  To be precise, I said "Yep... it's official... (straight single) men still suck".  And while some of my female friends either agreed or offered their condolences, my brother took offense and made some comments that rather offended me about "women who hate men".  Pardon me?  Did I say I hate men?  I don't think so, I think I said that men suck.  Doesn't mean I don't still want one!

To make a long story short - I hope - my brother and I may never speak again.  My message to him was bitchy, his posts were snippy, then we moved to email where I got bitchier, and where he remained offended because I deleted his posts from my page.  Actually, I can't believe how quickly we both went "junior high", with the "are you un-friend-ing me?  is that what you're saying?" and "I didn't say that" and "just tell me yes or no, that's all".  I'm surprised we didn't stomp our feet and tell our best friends that we aren't ever speaking to the other one ever, ever, ever again!  I am now expecting to hear from our mother to find out why I'm so mean to my brother.  Good grief, are we really still 13?

The power of FaceBook... it seems to have the power to reduce adults to the behavior of 13 year olds.  It can break up friendships at the speed of light.  It can drive a sane person over the edge.  Perhaps we need to think a bit longer before we 'friend' everyone we meet online.  Do we really want ALL of our co-workers to know about our personal lives?  Should we add clients to our FB friends, especially if we are going to comment about our day at work?  Do we really want everyone in our family to know what we did last night - and with whom?  Maybe we should think about that a little more before we add absolutely everyone to our friend lists?

So, while I still think the majority of men suck (straight and/or single), and the line "You're really awesome but I've found someone special" is about the most hurtful thing a man (or woman) can say, I may not be posting it on FaceBook anymore.  Maybe.

Look for a new post (here) about the actual suckiness of men... coming soon!

Learning to Walk

This past year has brought about a lot of changes for me; some of those changes have been very hard to handle. In many ways I feel as if I'm learning to walk again; as a metaphor for learning to live as a single woman, but also in the literal sense of learning that I CAN walk.

A few years ago I realized how tired I'd become of the phrase "I always wanted to do that". It took awhile to make the leap, but I managed to step out of my box and register for a watercolor class; it changed my life. It was actually a very hard thing to do, I'm not typically a "joiner", and am terribly insecure. That leap lead to another leap, and another, and another. At age 45 I got my first tattoo (so far). At age 46 I started voice lessons. At 47 I had bariatric surgery. At 48 I was divorced after 25 years of marriage.

During this past year, I had my first date in over 28 years, then my second date. I even had my heart broken a couple of times. Had a second set of ear piercings done. Bought and rode a bicycle for the first time in 32 years. And started walking. I may only be walking a mile or so at a time, but that is further than I've walked without stopping (or passing out) in over 20 years. What really surprises me, though, is that I can't wait to keep walking so I can start hiking.

Hiking is one of those "I always wanted to" things. I love nature, I love being in forrests, or on the coast. I find beauty in everything, and am awed by the miracle of life in any form. But to hike I had to learn to walk. The only thing missing from my life is someone to take that walk with me.

I've taken another step out of my box - I registered for a class in Tai Chi. Next term I'm hoping to find a dance class that will fit in my schedule. Dancing was another one of those loves that I physically couldn't do until recently. I may not be graceful, can't last an entire song yet, and I'm certainly not svelt, but I love to dance.

2010 was a year of changes, the year for me to learn to walk. 2011 will be the year I learn to hike, dance, ski, and whatever else I want to learn. I will continue to look for someone special to share these "firsts" with me; I have to believe that he's out there somewhere, just waiting for me to walk into his life.

"Tree Sketch"