Ever wonder what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown? I used to, but I don't think I need to wonder any more. After a rough week, a difficult and painful weekend, and a terribly upsetting Monday morning, I had a 6 hour anxiety attack. By mid-afternoon I was ready to burst into tears, I couldn't concentrate, and knew I was going to explode and get myself fired at any moment. So I did what any intelligent woman should do... I ran for the bathroom, called my doctor, and sobbed incoherently while she faxed a prescription for a Valium into my pharmacy.
Why, you ask? Let me tell you... an ex who stopped paying support completely, who says I'm a bitch because I'm riding his ass, even though I'm paying for his cell phone, storing his crap, and bending the truth to our son to protect him. My brother and I went from snippy to mean to incredibly hateful in a matter of a few emails, and although it won't kill me if he never speaks to me again, I still mourn for the loss of the brother I never really had. Something to work through with the therapist. My heating fuel company called me first thing on Monday morning to tell me they are holding my oil delivery because I "took too long to pay off the bill last year". Say what? After a nasty argument about their new policies - which they had never notified me of - she agreed to release the delivery but I now owe over $600 that is due by the 25th of this month. Ummm... sure, like I have $600?
After spending the evening working on my budget I came to one very real, very clear conclusion... I'm screwed. Without that support income, and after cutting back everything I can possibly cut back, plus some, I should have about $300 a month to buy food, gas, clothes, my son's lunches, school supplies, cat food... everything else that 2 people, 3 cats, and a house need. Shit.
I have no hope of paying off the fuel bill without cashing out even more retirement. I'm going to see about converting the furnace to electric, for which I'll probably have to cash out even more retirement. God forbid my car should break, I should get sick, or my son get injured. I say again... shit.
But life goes on - with the help of my sister and my dear friends, without whom I'd never survive, and that most wonderful of inventions... a 1/4 tab of Valium.
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