A Conversation with My Teenager

"Hey, Mom!"
"Hey, son!"
"Can I print a couple things out on your computer?"
"No, but you can print a couple things out on my printer."
"Thanks, 'cause I found this great graphic... what's so funny?"
"Never mind."
"There was this committee at school who picked 20 kids, and I don't know why, but they are giving away these scholarships to 20 kids who are like needy, well not really 'needy', but you know. So these teachers got together and picked these 20 kids to apply for this scholarship for like $6,000 or something."
"Okaaaay."
"Ya, they don't really look at the GPA, I mean they do but it's ok if you have like a 2.0 GPA. They look at other things. So, ya, they've picked these 20 kids to apply."
"Okaaaay."
"So I don't know why they picked me, but I guess they did."
"Well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"Well, ya, I mean... what? What does that even mean?"
"It's an expression."
"Well, its a bad expression."
"That's what you said when you were five."
"And it's still a bad expression."
"So, you were picked to apply for the scholarship?"
"Uh, ya, that's what I said. So I still don't know why they picked me."
"Because you're really smart, you just don't test well, and maybe your teachers see that."
"Uh, I doubt that."
"Uh, say 'thank you, Mom'."
"Thank you, Mom, but I still don't see why they'd pick me, but I have this paper to fill out and submit to the committee I guess."
"Is that the paper you waived in front of my face and didn't let me read."
"Uh, ya. But I'm still not sure what..."
"Nathan."
"Mom?"
"Say 'I love you, Mom'."
"I love you, Mom."
"Say 'good-night, Mom'."
"Good-night, Mom."
"Say 'I'm going to clean my room tomorrow, Mom'."
"Ya, right, Mom."
"It was worth a try."

When is enough - enough?

How many times should you give one person "another chance"? How many times should you make allowances? How many times can you be hurt by someone else's lack of consideration, their total disregard for your feelings? When is enough - enough?

I make excuses for him, I cover for him, I defend him. Why do I continue to care so much, when its obvious to everyone around me that he truly doesn't care about me. He makes decisions that directly affect me and our son, that could be devastating, and yet I still try to defend him, make excuses for him. Be nice to him.

I think I've finally hit "enough". While I'm here, up late packing up his clothes, his things, his mess - he's off camping with his new best friend. I have bills to pay, a house to manage, a son to care for, a job to do, and I'm ok with that. Really. But I have decided that I've had enough.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next for my son and I, but we'll face it together. We've both had "enough".

I can't, can I?

Now that I'm a "single woman", I'm realizing all of the things that I never learned to do because it was my husband's job. I've never used a power lawn mower, programmed the furnace thermostat, replaced the furnace filters, operated a weed eater, fixed a leak, cleaned the roof gutters, or any of the other hundred joys of owning a home. It's never been a question of whether I'm capable, it was a typical "his job vs. her job" marriage.

Last night I pulled into the parking structure at The Hult Center where I'm stage manager for the ACE production of 'Cats' when I noticed my left headlight was burned out. I immediately panicked knowing that I couldn't just tell my husband to replace it. On consulting with a long time friend, whom I've admired for being an "independent woman", she asked if I had the manual for my car. (long pause) Oh. Yes, I do. Feeling rather embarrassed I retrieved the manual and checked the car maintenance section.

This morning I put on a semi-grubby shirt (not too grubby - I am going out in public), my fingerless knit gloves (it's cold out), my new black Harley motorcycle boots (they need to be broken in), and a pair of super-baggy jeans. Although my other jeans would look better, I need them for the show tonight. I may be dressing to work on a car, but I'm still a girl! I don my headphones, grab a package of wet-wipes, and head out to the car.

The short version is that I managed to remove the burned out headlamp, buy a new one at Knecht's, and install it all by myself. I'm sure that next time it won't take me an hour and ten minutes since I now know what the book means by "swivel base, remove wire, replace lamp". Auto manuals are obviously written by men - short sentences, lots of blank space.

When the thought of being solely responsible for the house, yard, and car overwhelms me, I need to remember that I can do it, I just have to learn how. I momentarily forgot all of the many, many things I've learned to do over the years, most of them self-taught. I've always said that I can learn almost anything from a book; I taught myself to knit, sew, draw, quilt, cook, garden, basic SQL programming, build planter boxes, design decks, refinish wood floors, speak a little Korean, hang wallpaper, lay ceramic tile. There really isn't anything that I can't learn to do, if I want to. And for the projects that are too big for me, I can hire someone else to do them.

So while I will need to locate a reasonably priced handyman (I refuse to get on the roof), I'm sure I can handle everything else. I have a feeling that Google 'how to' searches are going to become my best friend!

The only thing in life that stays the same...

The only thing in life that stays the same is that everything in life changes. Some changes are small, some big, some good, some bad, and some changes are impossible to quantify.

Do you remember the day you moved out of your parents' house and got a place all your own? Maybe with a room mate, maybe not, but still being independent and totally self-sufficient. Well, I don't remember that because I went straight from my parents' house to married life. Now, in my mid-forties, I find myself learning to be independent. True, I have a teenage son living in the house, but for the first time in my life I'm the only head of the house, the person solely responsible for everything. And it's a bit overwhelming.

I haven't decided if this change is good or bad - probably a lot of both. It's definitely going to be a challenge.

A rose by any other name... still stinks?

Shakespeare said something to the effect of "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". Someone else said, "What's in a name?". My question is, "What's in a title?".

I've never really been that hung up on titles, though I've been quick to point out that I was an administrative assistant not a secretary, or that I am my son's 'real mom' although not his birth mom. I've had lots of titles, assistant director, light operator, stage manager, receptionist, clerical assistant, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, artist, etc. I always felt that they're just titles, they don't define who I am, the simply describe some of my roles in life.

So it is with surprise that I now find myself concerned with my job title. Does it reflect what I do for a living? Does is establish my place in the hierarchy? Is it taken seriously or dismissed out of hand as being too low on the totem pole to be of concern? Does it come with any perks? Should it be changed to better describe my position? What would changing it accomplish? The biggest question of all is - Would anyone even care what my title was or becomes?

I do see in myself the need to have a clearly defined title, along with an even greater need to have a clearly defined position established within the company hierarchy. That's just a fancy way of saying, "Who am I and where do I fit in?", questions we all ask at different times of our lives.

Sure wish I had an answer!

Recent events within my "circle" have made me feel demoted, devalued, and dismissed. Not a feeling that sits well with me, not anymore. At one time I would have accepted it and eaten my way through my depression. I can't eat my way through these situations any more, so I find myself getting angrier than in the past. I will not be dismissed, nor will I tolerate what I do being dismissed as unimportant.

Please understand one thing, though, which is that I do appreciate the opportunities I've been given to take on new projects and expand my duties. If I hadn't been given these opportunities I would have left long ago, bored out of my mind. I like where I work, I adore my bosses, and I have no desire to work anywhere else. But, it's hard having the tasks that I was hired to handle being dismissed as low on the priority list, which makes me feel that I'm personally low on the same list.

Ok. Time to end the pity party. No more whimpering, whining, or pouting (I couldn't think of another word that started with "wh"). Time to get over it. Yeah, right, sure... LOL

Mmmm, good!

It's a rainy, cold Saturday afternoon, and I was hungry. So I did what every good housewife does, I bitched at my husband. Actually, I pulled out my brand new Korean cookbook and flipped through it, coming across what appeared to be a very simple soup recipe. I made it in about 10 minutes, and thought it was delicious! Beansprout soup doesn't sound that great, it doesn't even look all the great, but it was quite tasty. I had to change a few ingredients, adapt it to my American cupboard, but it was still so very easy and good. And according to the cookbook, it will ward off the common cold during the winter months. I can't wait to pick up more Korean recipes to try.

Campbells soup it ain't, but then I'm no Betty Crocker!

Cubicles and other insults

I usually like my job, it's interesting, varied, a good employer, and I get to talk to some really nice people. Some not so nice, but the nice ones make up for the grumpier ones. Today, I'm not so happy. I've been demoted.

I haven't actually been demoted, but it feels that way. I have to give up my nice, moderately sized, quiet cubicle for a make-shift shoebox with a window. My boss is moving to a slightly smaller office with a window, but she's been in that space before and likes it. It also moves her farther away from me. She doesn't think its a big deal, but we converse a lot through the doorway separating us. I think it's going to be a pain in the butt! I'm actually going to be more isolated than I was before.

Our newest member of the team, although he has been able to take over a few tasks for me, is also one more person that I'm administrative support for. Love him and am very happy he's joined us, no question about that. The powers that be are also expanding programs and projects for the people I support, which is very exciting for them and the department.

I'm glad these things are happening, and glad that I get to support these new projects in my small way. But due to various reasons that are out of my control, none of the areas that I work with directly will be expanded. At times, it feels as if they aren't even being acknowledged. I don't feel like I'm being acknowledged. I feel like I'm being dismissed, and it sucks. I have to admit, having the "new guy" explaining to me why my work is being dismissed as unimportant in the grand scheme of things did rather piss me off! Six weeks does not an expert make.

Being low man on the totem pole can be a bit "sucky". Information is like the rain, it hits the top of the pole first, then trickles down. Sometimes the bottom of the pole, which supports the entire structure, feels dry as a bone. And a bit squashed.

Tomorrow is casual Friday; I'm sure things will look better in jeans and comfy shoes. It's still a good job, a good place to work, with a good boss, and job security. I am grateful for it -- mostly.